Written by: Jay Sea
Do you have a moment in your past where you have done something that you have deemed unforgivable? Almost everyone I know has a defining moment in their life that they would rather bury. I often wonder by what standard do we make the assumption we are unforgivable when often we simply need to forgive ourselves.
Though this should be something that comes easy to us, it’s often the hardest thing any of us need to do. We can forgive others relatively easily in comparison, but it’s not until we forgive ourselves can we truly let go. It’s like an anchor tied to the chains pulling us under, we feel the pressure, we want to scream and let it all out, but even this society we live in today, gets to us, telling us that this isn’t the place to talk about it. They tell us to go here or there, that place and this place, and then they send you to another place and so on, a goose chase or like a dog chasing its tail in circles. In any case, especially my case, often leaving me confused.
Now, if I’m going to talk about things that have held me down before I should at least start at the beginning. I was alone in the car and the mess, I found a window scraper amidst the mess, one of those tools used to take ice off the car windows, and as I picked it up all the trauma I ever heard, saw, or experienced I felt all over again. I wanted it to stop, it was too much, so with the blade already out of the handle I put it against my wrist. Immediately I panicked, but the pain of that escape was missing. All I could feel was the rush of my blood against my skin. It was both the best and worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. On the way home I was ashamed of what I’ve done, and not wanting my mom to find out, I did as best I could to hide it. I brought with me a whole roll of paper towels, (looking back that aroused suspicion), so I wouldn’t get blood on the car. Not even out of the driveway she realized, the amount of blood spewing out was way too much, she immediately stopped the car and called the police. When they arrived, they announced that if I would have gone just a bit deeper my end would have come sooner. And I would have continued if not for the following Psalm.
18 they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
Sometimes it takes crying out to the Lord, but honestly, it took me writing this to forgive myself. Seven and a half years it took me, and now I feel like I’m in the forest breathing all the natural air. Sometimes all we need to do to forgive ourselves is to talk about it, or maybe just write it and burn and allow the smoke and ashes like incense be an offering to the Lord as you place your life in His hands and remove yours, but most of all let it be the end of it and forgive yourself.